I sat there in the doctor's office at the clinic. The walls a worn yellow color; a few water spots on the ceiling tiles. I couldn't begin to even count the number of times I had visited this clinic over the past two years; the number of hours spent waiting on one specialist or another to see me. I shifted in my chair. My appointment was already a half hour behind, as I could hear this particular doctor chatting in the hallway outside of my door. I was ready to get the appointment over with, and get on with my day.
She came in, and we discussed some concerns-- both old and new. With the new concerns came new information: information I wasn't ready for, or expecting. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with a rare clotting disorder, called Delta Granule Storage Pool Deficiency. Nothing that would change my life drastically, but something that would prove to be inconvenient later in life. I thought I had thought about everything I needed to think about... until this appointment. All the disorder means is that my blood clots, but not as fast as it should; minor cuts and scrapes look worse than they are. However, it could become an issue if I were in a major car accident and couldn't get help right away. I already knew that if, and when, I decided to have children it could potentially become a problem... but I never knew that it would be as big of a deal as I was about to find out.
"I know we have already had the conversation about how when you have children, you'll have to plan in advance due to other medical issues... but with this new complication, there's cause for greater concern. You are going to have to do extra planning: see an OB/GYN who specializes in high-risk pregnancies, and deliver in a hospital that has a NICU, just in case. I know we're talking a while down the road yet, but..."
I tuned out. I felt like my world was being turned upside down for the umpteenth time this year. There I was: sitting across from yet another medical professional telling me how my future is going to be... when I was a 25 year old, fresh out of a failed four-year relationship. Why was it bothering me that my future suddenly seemed so incredibly complicated?
Now would probably be a good time to rewind my story and tell you that two and a half years ago, I had a seizure that landed me a private room in an ICU overnight... where I was diagnosed with epilepsy. My boyfriend (at the time) was very supportive at the beginning, even though I could tell it freaked him out. We had been together for about two years at that point, and (I thought) we were planning on a future together... but somewhere between then and earlier this year, things got mixed up; things got lost.
So I left my (former) boyfriend, and moved back into my mother's house with the knowledge that when I finally found a man who deserved me-- a man who would help me out-- a man who would be there for me, even in my darkest times-- and decide he wants to be that man for the rest of our lives... we would have to plan. You see, before I even become pregnant, I have to be weaned off of my seizure medications or risk harm to the child. Being taken off of my medications also means bedrest for my pregnancy, or risk falling and losing the child. This is a HUGE responsibility, and (once) in my eyes, burden to that man. This is why I need someone so special.
And there I was... being told by another doctor, once again, that I have to do extra planning if I want to have children. After my brain's mini-vacation, I tuned in just in time to hear her change topics. I spent the rest of my day, and part of the following few weeks in somewhat of a trance. I felt like I had lost a child I never even had... a child who wasn't even a thought for me yet.
And then came the overwhelming urge to date: I suddenly wanted to find a good man who would take me on an autumn date, treat me right, and fall in love. WHY did I want that? I still can't figure that out-- my trust (and will) were broken in the breakup, and a part of me still has a hard time believing that somewhere out there is a man who deserves me; a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Somewhere out there is a man for me.
I realized it was nothing more than a silly notion; now is the time to celebrate me. For four years, I was in a relationship that squandered the things I loved; sequestered who I was... who I am. Now is the time to chase after those things I love and be who I am. Now is the time to love myself, "complications" included... so that I can eventually allow someone else to love me too.
Now is the time to live.
